I used to believe that people had the ability to make our own destiny. “We have no fate, but what we make for ourselves” from the Terminator 2: Judgment Day film. This is very exciting because it puts me in the driver seat. I am in control. I am as great as I want to be. I am as successful as I want to be. If there is a will, there is a way. There is no one to stop me. However, this led me to make many mistakes and ultimately end up in an obfuscated predicament where I had lost sense of myself. This only happened because I cared too much for how great others could be, and succumbed to at least some measure of the social conditioning of the university atmosphere.
After I had graduated, I was working at an educational institution, when I noticed, only after leaving, that I was being infected by that culture. The modern University propagates and reinforces a culture of learned helplessness. I kept thinking of the old adage, ‘you become what you hang around’. Now, I am a product of military training and with a complementing eight years of military experience. But while I was at the university, it was terribly difficult to adjust to the people, or the culture of the place. Complacency and mediocrity are extremely difficult for me to understand, let alone accept as the norm. As one of my former military leaders would always say, “good enough is never enough”. I could not fathom what the hell was wrong with everyone. No one wanted to go the extra mile, or put in extra time. They did not want to be the best they could be, and only desired to cement their ‘college experience’… Whatever the fuck that means? But, the best don’t get to the top, by accident…
Anyways, The entire situation was a recipe for failure, but the failure was mine. I accept the responsibility for what happened. I am the only one responsible for my happiness and contentment. Needless to say, in that environment, I was losing it. I had nothing to accomplish for myself. I could not succeed unless the others succeeded. With that atmosphere, all I heard were excuses and complaints that I was too strict. Well, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink…unless you are Chuck Norris.
If you were to ask the kids at this institution about me, who I was, what I stood for, you would undoubtedly receive a wide range of responses. Perhaps they would say, “He was mean, and didn’t give me the respect I deserve.” Or, “He was crazy, and weird.” It doesn’t really matter anyway. I had a such a difficult time adapting because most of those people just plain suck, especially those, who think they deserve my groveling respect simply because they can inhale and exhale. Regardless of whether I liked them or not, the majority all think I am just a messed up war vet. I am not messed up. I have absolutely nothing wrong with me. I merely utilize a swift and assertive reaction to bullshit.
But it goes deeper, I’m afraid. I was mocked and ridiculed for being a hard charger. I was ‘that guy’. The military man in me, laughed off much of that shit, but the constant berating took its toll. I started to crack. I was constantly told to lighten up, to go easy by those for whom I worked. I ended up denying my true nature because I wanted to try to assimilate. But I was made to feel ashamed for what I have accomplished, and what I stand for by people who do not matter to me. I have never felt so degraded that I was ashamed of who I am. But talk to those people, and I was the one being degrading. And you know what, they were right. I hated the person I was adapting into, and I took it out on everyone, especially myself.
As a caveat to that I would like to tell you of an epiphany I encountered on the subject.
I was eating lunch one day and decided to put on a movie, and Rambo III was my choice, (don’t fucking judge me, Rambo 2 was the day before, and besides they both are classics of American cinema… aside from Rambo fighting along side the Taliban…the enemy of my enemy…or whatever). About 5minutes into the flick, Colonel Trautman tries to recruit Rambo for another mission, and Rambo does not want to leave his Buddhist monastery, he says, “My war is over.” Now, I don’t usually seek philosophical nor spiritual nor any solace, or advice from movies or TV, BUT, I could identify with the way Rambo felt. Society tells us that at some point you have to turn from a lion back to a lamb, or some kind of progressive bullshit like that, and live a peaceful life. That is what I thought was happening to me while I was at that university environment, except I was subconsciously resisting, and you’ll see why in a bit. Anyways, the Colonel then follows Rambo and delivers a monolog that sums it all up. He says:
Col. Trautman: “When are you going to come full circle?
You said that your war is over. Maybe…The one out there is…but not the one inside you. I know the reasons you are here. But it doesn’t work that way. You may try, but you can’t get away from what you really are.”
Rambo: “And what is that?”
Col. Trautman: “A full-blooded combat soldier.”
Rambo: “I don’t want it!”
Col. Trautman: “Well, that’s too bad, cause you’re stuck with it! Let me tell you a story:
There was a sculptor and he came across this stone, this special stone. And he took it home and worked on it for months until he had finally finished. When he was ready he showed it to his friends and they said he had created such a great statue. The sculptor said he hadn’t created anything. The statue was always there; he just cleared away the small pieces.
We didn’t make you this fighting machine. We just chipped away the rough edges.
You are always going to be tearing away at yourself until you come to terms with what you are…until you come full circle.”
This bit from the movie really closed the lid on what I have been reflecting on ever since I read the Bhagavad Gita in August. The god Krishna describes the four castes to the warrior Arjuna, and I took notice when he described the Warrior: “Heroism, fiery energy, resolve, skill, refusal to retreat in battle, charity, and majesty in conduct are intrinsic to the action of the warrior.”
This is what really turned me around. I realized that I was born with the spirit of the storm in my blood. What’s more important is that this realization did not stem from a belief in an archetype, nor did it arise out of a desire to be viewed as such. That’s really how I am, my true nature. I should not apologize for that, and I will not. Krishna also provided valuable advice, which led me to my understanding about my university experience, “He should elevate himself by the self, not degrade himself; for the self is its own friend and its own worst foe.”
I am an adherent to being a man for others. However, no one can help anyone else if they are scraping the bottom. The only way to really help others is from a position of abundance. Ergo, one cannot effectively help others unless they first help themselves. Moreover, external validation will not enhance you genuinely. It must come from within. I think this is the very root of the masculine man.
As I read things from the Manosphere and the proponents of positive masculinity, I realize that I was a very masculine man. This I will discuss in another post relating to the military. I joined the military not for the politics, but because I enjoyed the culture of the military, the culture of honor. The brotherhood that ensued in the military is unlike anything else in the world. Really, you’d be hard pressed to find something similar. Sports teams do not even come close, in large part because they only risk what’s read on the scoreboard. The warriors, they go ALL-IN, all the time. I will discuss this further in another post.
From my struggles with acclimatization to the civilian world, I am somewhat embarrassed and disappointed that I could not conquer it, or the insidious indoctrination of the ‘social educational system’. It seems as if my brush with the softer, more effeminate side of the world has knocked me off of my warhorse, as it were. But, to me it is an opportunity to fully discover my true nature, and provided me with a capability to better myself even further as I reclaim my mount. I am thrilled at the prospects of my future, as bleak as the future may seem collectively. I am gathering knowledge, enhancing skills, and beginning to be myself again. The table is set for my success, and I am once again, hungry for victory.
-So far, So good…
The War Room 